One last swan...

Even though my career as a dancer is sort of officially over, I have not yet mentioned the fact that I will be performing one last time in Germany this upcoming November.
It all started coming together when I performed with the Trocks in Berlin early last year. We did a very successful two- week run in an amazing theater, where I danced The Dying Swan every night. One evening a colleague walked up to me, saying: "You'll never guess who is in the audience tonight - I just ran into her in the hallway and she was asking about you!!! Birgit Keil!!!"
I know this name does not ring a bell with a lot of the none dancers, but this Lady can most certainly be considered the first German prima ballerina. She was dancing in Stuttgart when I was a student at the John Cranko School. She actually visited the boarding school a few times, and (now this is funny...) on her 50th birthday a few of us kids were invited to her party at her fabulous duplex apartment, and a friend and I actually did a drag show for her (age: 14!!!). So - I guess she kept remembering me as this little boy in drag, and was therefor certainly not surprised to find me as a member of Ballets Trockadero.
Anyway; I was nervous as all hell when I found out she was going to see the show, but couldn't wait to meet her after the curtain came down.
She came back stage, gave me a hug... (looking amazing in a Chanel suit), and told me about a Gala she is organizing for November of 2008. She asked me if there was a chance for me to take the time and come to Stuttgart for three shows - her organization would fly me in from wherever I am. Flattered and honored I obviously agreed, and was looking forward to it ever since.
I didn't hear from her for several months, and thought that maybe the whole thing is not happening after all, when suddenly I was contacted by her secretary and received the contracts by mail shortly thereafter. By this time I have already left the company, and am now doing it as a free lance artist. At first I thought it might be a problem with music and all the technicalities... but it turns out, I will actually dance to a live orchestra.
Today I received my E- ticket to Germany, which makes this the last step before actually going and performing one of my favorite roles three last times. It will be my very own way of saying "good bye" to dancing; in the city where I started it all close to 20 years ago. There is something sentimental about it... something very theatrical and something very organic. Ever since I left boarding school and Stuttgart at age 18, I looked back at that time in sadness, anger, disappointment and fear. There were not too many nice people to remember and not too many nice experiences to look back on. Hearing the name of this quite pretty city alone gives me chills to this very day. It was there that teachers told me (and many other successful dancers) that I would never make it in this business. It was there that I walked out of classes with black and blue bruises all over my body. It was there that I have given people the power to be abusive and vicious without ever showing signs or asking for help. And it was there that I have sacrificed my childhood and youth to a profession that dominated my life ever since. Stuttgart is most certainly the place that molded me as a person the most. The place that I credit with giving me my biggest strengths, but also my greatest weaknesses.
The truth is that I am afraid of going there; of meeting people that I saw the last time when I was a little boy with freckles all over my face. Of facing people I have been trying to forget for the past 12 years. But the truth is also that I am a different person now, and that I have left my powerlessness behind - along with my freckles (speaking of which... where DID they go???) The preparation process for my trip is already therapeutic, and I am hoping that my actual going there will somehow close a circle that has never been quite round.
I am very excited about the shows though - about what they mean to me as an artist. A reviewer wrote about my Dying Swan during my last tour in February that "... The Dying Swan has become Burgmaier's signature, just like it once has for Anna Pavlova".
I have put a lot of work into this role, and I think back at the many times I have performed it with a warm feeling in my heart. It has been the piece that I grew into during my entire Trockadero career, and the piece that gave me the most freedom to explore myself as an artist.
So... come early August, one can find me in a dance studio once again; taking classes and getting my behind into shape. I am actually amazed at how well I am without the constant sweating and holding on to barres. In many ways I guess I have the peaceful feeling that I have done what I wanted to do in this business, and that I can now focus on a future without blisters and sore muscles. Well... seeing how I have not moved one bit in four months, I am sure I will have my share of pain once I squeeze my feet into the good old pointe shoes. But hey; that's another thing about the Dying Swan. Extra suffering only makes the "Dying" part more real!!!